Ask for What You Want

There comes a point in life when you stop apologizing for your needs and start honoring them.


In this episode of The Well Done Life, I’m sharing a realization that settled deeply into my spirit after a few beautiful conversations with friends about love, relationships, and life. For the first time in a long time, I realized I can ask my husband for what I want because I know he has both the willingness and the capability to meet me there. That kind of emotional safety changes everything.


It also made me reflect on seasons of my life when I poured my time, love, and energy into wonderful people who simply couldn’t provide that same safety. Not because they were bad people—but because they weren’t able to give what I needed.


In this conversation, we’re talking about the courage to get honest with ourselves, the importance of communicating our needs, and why emotional safety isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. We deserve relationships where vulnerability is welcomed, where our voices matter, and where we also create that same safe space for the people we love.

Because healing isn’t just about finding safe people. It’s also about becoming one.

Connect with me:

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Email: hello@thewelldonelife.com and thewelldonelife@gmail.com 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, I'm Pamela Davis Brown. Welcome to episode 255 of the Well Done Life Podcast. And hello, welcome back to episode 255 of the Well Done Life Podcast. I'm your host, Pamela Davis Brown. If you are new here, hey, how are you? Welcome. I am so glad that you're here this week. I hope that you'll stay for a very long time and bring lots of friends. If you've been here before, you guys know the deal. I love you deep. Thank you so much for rocking with me. Um, I wouldn't be at this point without you, and I'm truly grateful. So I want you to stick around and bring lots of friends as well. Before we get started, I like to be really foundational. Um, this podcast and my brand are what I consider a safe space for women. And so as we're building this space, we treat it like a house, and I want to make sure that our foundation is really strong. And so I want to make sure you understand some things. Our foundation um is built on clarity and love. Clarity is really straightforward. I just like to make sure that you understand that I could, like I said, I created this space for women. I believe in us as women. I believe that we need places and spaces where we can be our most authentic self. And so I hope that by me sharing my journey with you, as well as spotlighting other women, that I give you an opportunity to recognize that there's nothing that you're facing that you can't overcome. Um, also, I'm hopeful that you'll avoid some of the pitfalls that I've made. And hopefully you'll find resources that can help you on your journey to living your best life. So welcome. On the second of that, that leads me right into my secondary foundation, which is love. Everything that we do in this space is rooted in love. And so I always like to make sure that when I'm setting the atmosphere for what we do here, I set it with prayer because I truly believe in the power of prayer. Prayer has gotten me through and continues to get me through life. I couldn't make it without it. And I am so grateful for the power of two or more coming into prayer. And so that's why I like to always share prayers with you every week because I want you to know that we are rooted in God and God is rooted in you and in me, and when we come together in alignment, great things can happen. So I've been standing on a couple of foundational prayers, and I probably am gonna wind up standing on these for a really long time because I really just see it feel like in 2026 year of our Lord, we just have to stand on some foundational things. And so, for me, my first foundational prayer for you is always gonna be peace. I want you to have peace in your life, I want you to have peace within yourself, I want you to be able to take moments where you can pause, where you can think and breathe. Because life comes at us quick, and there's always something going on that we need to give our attention to. Somebody that needs something like, you know, life's not slowing down. And so as things are getting thrown at you, it's very hard to make clear decisions. And so I feel like it's important that you have spaces where you can self-regulate, where you can breathe. I don't care if it's just sitting in your car or your closet, whatever you have to do that's going to give you a moment of peace, you need it. Because again, it's regulating your body, it's regulating your mind and your spirit, because that leads right into my second prayer for you is clarity, especially in 2026 year of our Lord. Like things are wild out here, and you need to be able to see things clearly. You can't get blown away or blown up by AI information and all these different things. You need to be able to be clear about what you are seeing, what you are experiencing, so that you can make the best possible choice. And I know that's not always easy, but just understand that your peace, that moment of stillness and clarity are essential because, again, you're just doing the very best that you can. So give yourself space for both of those things to be in alignment in your life. And then my third prayer for you is always gonna be love. I want you to have good love. I'm talking about love that is nourishing. I'm talking about the love that you feel from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. And I'm not just talking about relationships, I'm talking about connection and community and friends that you can rely on. And we're gonna talk a little bit more about that today because it is essential. We cannot do this thing alone. And it is very easy for us to, or maybe it's just me, get bogged down in the cycles of life and we wind up pulling ourselves back. We wind up sitting in stillness a little too long, and we wind up isolating, and we need to recognize that isolation is not always good for us. We need to recognize that we are better together, and so I hope that you are able to have a good click, crew, community, tribe, your peeps who hold you down, who give you love, who nourish you, who correct you, who support you and encourage you from a place of the purest high. And so that way you can thrive and you can have rest and you can be supported when you need you, when you need to be, because there's nobody that's gonna come and save us but us. And so your people are going to be essential. And then rounding up my prayers, because I'm always gonna stand on abundance, I'm always gonna want you to be financially abundant because I want you to be able to be a blessing to yourself and to other people, but I want you to be abundant in your spirit. I want you to be able to carve out moments and memories, because in the midst of all of this, joy still has to take place because joy is what's going to get you through when joy isn't present. When you're going through, you need to be able to have something to lean on, to glean on. And no matter what, you still deserve joy and love and happiness. So I hope you are cultivating those moments abundantly because they will nourish you far more than riches ever will. So those are my prayers for you this week. I'm really excited to be back recording on Saturday, July 18th at 8:31. I've been in the streets and I've been battling the ick. So it's just been kind of um a tricky time for me to get back, but I want to thank everyone for their support of my anniversary episode with my hubs. Um, now that we found love, um, our first year, our conversation. I know I left you guys with that same episode last week because I just didn't have it. I sounded terrible last week. I have a little bit of an um upper respiratory thing going on, and I'm trying to get through it, but I'm feeling better and I'm feeling inspired. So I wanted to come back. And if you haven't checked out our episode from last week or the week before, actually, please don't hesitate. It is on all streaming platforms, including YouTube, and it was fun to have my husband here. And we may do other things in the future. We're kind of talking about it because he's asked, and other people have asked us as well, which is fun. Um, but today is hopefully a conversation that goes across everyone. It's funny, I've been in the streets today, like I mentioned, in the midst of it. I've just been out like supporting a friend and hanging out with some people that are just truly dear. And in the midst of all of that, I've recognized that I've had some beautiful conversations, lots of conversations about love and life and just being in this place where we are, because Lord knows being over 40 is an adventure, to say the least. And it's funny, during one of our conversations, one of the things that really struck me and it sat with me in my soul today is how good it feels to be in a place now where I know that I am with someone where I can ask for what I want and know that they have the the capability of giving me what I want. And let me say that again. It feels really good to be in this place in my life where I know that I can ask the person that I'm with what I and tell them what I want, and they have the capability of giving it to me. And that started a whole nother thought and conversation for me because I wonder how many of us are really thinking about for the people that we are with, be it friendship, be it love, are we with people in our lives where we are capable of being clear about our wants and needs with the understanding that these people are capable of giving us what we want? And so I want to talk about that today because it is something that I think everybody at a certain point in life has to get to that point where you are asking yourself that about your crew, about your clique, about your love, and and really being capable of receiving the answer and moving accordingly. And so, like I said, I I'm at this place now, and when I talk about that I am, I'm talking about it in relation to my husband. And I feel very blessed to be here. And you know, hey, I I've been very honest. I I'm a first-time bride in my 50s, and so yeah, it took me a minute to get here. And when I say it, I I definitely think about the people that I loved before or I thought I loved before. And for all the goodness that they had, they were never really truly capable of giving me what I wanted. And I knew it in certain ways back then, but I wasn't at a point where I loved myself enough to recognize that clearly and to move away accordingly. And I had to, I think, as I have been on this journey of growing as a woman, growing as a person, I had to recognize that. And I had to get very clear about my wants and needs and expectations moving forward so that when God brought my husband into my life again, I was ready to be clear. And so I really want to have this conversation with you because I think that a lot of us may need to get to that point in ourselves where we recognize that some of the people that we have given our time, our energy, our love, and support, they are beautiful people, but they are never going to be capable of giving us what we want. And before we kind of like move through what it's like to be with someone who's capable of giving us what we want and being able to work through the challenges that come with that, because yes, there are still challenges. I mean, yes, it's beautiful and it's wonderful, but we're still we have to talk about the fact that, you know, we're still here, we're still human, and we still are gonna be triggered. And how many of us are really at that point where we're willing to let our guard down enough, even though we've recognized that this person is probably exactly what we need and can give us what we want? How many of us are really letting our guard down enough so that that person can be what we need and meet the expectation? Are we giving them that moment, that opportunity to meet the moment? Or are we kind of playing the game you know that some of us play where we expect people to pick up hints, clues, context clues, and understand what we're trying to say without actually trying to say it? I mean, we if we're gonna really talk about this, let's really talk about it. So let's talk about it first from the context of first, let's be honest. How many of us have recognized that we love these wonderful people in our lives, but they're not capable of giving us what we want? And when we're talking about that, it's not that they're bad people, they have many wonderful qualities. They could be kind and giving and supportive and funny and enduring and faithful and religious and all these wonderful things. But when it comes down to really what we want, when we have identified either a person that we want to have as a friend or as a lover, as a partner, you know, uh with those titles come different expectations. And granted, many of us are still working through what those expectations look like, and to me, that's a whole nother conversation. But many of us have basic expectations of what we want in the in friends and in lovers and in partners. And a lot of times when we meet people, you know, we get caught up in the infatuation of it. It's just they're so wonderful, they're so nice. And a lot of times, if you think about it, they're doing things that you haven't experienced before. You know, that person is coming through, that person is calling you, that person is showing interest and attention, and they're they're being consistent. And it's real easy to get caught up in the surface, but not really get down to the real meat of the matter, you know? And so that's really where we begin. You know, beginning where we understand that we have to get down to the meat of the matter, meaning that we have to be able to see through all the shiny feelings. We have to see through all of the surface level stuff and get down to the heart of the matter. And the heart of the matter is what are your expectations look like? And have you given yourself space to get really clear about what your expectations look like? Because when you're not clear about your expectations, just trying to be honest about it, it's real easy to get caught up on the surface because the surface just it feels good. It's I remember having a conversation with a friend recently, and they were like, you know, the feeling that I have with this person, the energy is so wonderful, but I know that there is a challenge, and I'm just not ready to face the challenge. And so they want to stay at the top, but the feelings continue to grow, and it's like you know that you need to move deeper, you need to get down to the uncomfortable, you know, the little, the surface, the meat of the matter, but you're scared and you're not ready to be vulnerable. And then that's the second thing like, are you ready to be vulnerable? And when we're talking about vulnerability, it's not saying that you gotta lay all your heart on this on the shelf, on the table, and just hope that this person picks it up with kid gloves and and loves it. Loves it. I'm not gonna lie, though, in some instances you do. In some instances, you have to not be afraid to put yourself out on Front Street in order to get what you want. I I mean, I'll be honest, I've said it before. I was the one who told my husband that I loved him first. I did, I put myself out there first. I mean, because I was being convicted. I I literally felt God sitting on me like you have to say what you feel. And that was definitely not what I wanted. I tried to push back, I tried to hold back, but every time I did, it was like I could I felt pain behind it, like literal physical pain, not being able to express how I was feeling. And so I had to, I had to put my chips on the table and let this man know how I felt. And you know what? He had the capability and he has the capacity to pick my heart up, put it in his hands, and nourish it like God does. But I had to take a risk, I had to pray, I had to ask God to give me strength to do it, and I did it. And so in that point in time, I had to be vulnerable. I had to be willing to understand that this man may not feel the way I felt, even though I knew he did. I knew he was feeling me the way I was feeling him, but I had to take a chance and I was afraid. I didn't want to get hurt. I had already been dealing with something else, and I was like, why am I trying to do this now? But I feel like if I can't do this now, I'm never gonna feel this way again. I'm never going to have this moment or opportunity again. And I have to understand that this man is worth my vulnerability. And then that becomes the third thing. How many of you have looked at the people in your life that you are giving this energy, this love, this space, this capacity to, this caring to, and asked, are they worth your vulnerability? Because that's part of it. It's like it's such a big risk, it's such a big thing, but are they worth it? Have you assessed their value? And I know that probably sounds like we're looking at a spreadsheet or something, but it is like that because your heart, your emotions, your care and your well-being are infinitely priceless. And so you have to treat the people that you let in your life in such a deep way like they need to be vetted. Like we gotta act like this is trying to vet a politician. You know, no, but it'll be a lot deeper than that. Definitely won't be as surface level as what we see nowadays. But what I'm saying is regards to this, it's like you have to make sure that this person is worth it. And if they're worth it, and you know that they're worth it, because you have judged their actions, because you have watched, you have learned, you have gleaned, you have given them an opportunity to communicate themselves to you. And you made an informed decision. Because I'm not just saying going out here and giving your vulnerability to Lottie Dottie and everybody. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying be discernful, my love. Be discernful. Because if their actions line up with their words and they have consistently shown you that they are a person of quality, then your vulnerability may should be safe with them. It's still a risk, but at least it's a calculator risk, not just one based upon the surface. And so that's even another reason why at some point in time you have to get to the meat of the matter. And you have to be willing to be vulnerable, and you have to be willing to ask yourself if this person is worth your vulnerability. Because ultimately, that's what we need in order to form true connection with people. I mean, many of us walk around with a lot of different friends, air quotes, associates in our lives, but and partners. And, you know, not everybody is at that space and time where they're looking to meet someone from a relational standpoint that you're trying to spend a lifetime with. I'm not gonna lie, in the year of our Lord 2026, I don't see how people do it out here casually. Like it is the world is too shifty, there's too many things happening. You have to be intentional about who you lay with, who you stay with. I mean, I just I cannot tell you enough how important it is to make sure that you are thinking about that. And please know that I'm never coming from a place of judgment. I'm just being honest because you see how things are moving out here. You need to make sure that this is a partner you can ride with, you can run with, you can go through the war and the trenches with because you never know what could happen. So you need to make sure that you're making decisions as it relates to lovers and friends as solidly as you humanly can. Really, and it yes, it is that deep. And nobody will tell you, but I tell you, and you know it is deep in your heart of hearts that you need to be around certain people and certain people you don't need to be around. This is that time, but I digress, but that is another reason why you have to make sure that you are looking and asking those discernment questions in regards to is this person worth your vulnerability? Are you making these decisions about them being worth your vulnerability based upon their actions, their words, and the consistency between the two, because it's essential. And then also, you know, asking yourself, are you ready to be honest? Because really, it does start and end with you. It becomes that choice where you have to really know that you are worth this extra step in life. Because, like I said earlier, not everybody is worth looking for that, and that's okay if you're not. But if you are, then you have to get clear about you. You have to be willing to look at where you are in this time in your life and start to heal those triggers and traumas that are preventing you from trusting everybody. Heal those triggers and traumas that might make you pop off in situations when people are too nice to you. Heal those triggers and traumas that make you constantly look at good people's deeds as uh what do they want from me, versus them actually wanting to pour into you because they have the capacity, the capability to. And being able to accept a compliment, being able to accept a gift, being able to accept love because you are worthy of it. Stop always acting like you have to be the one in the giving position and put yourself in the position of receiving. As my husband and I like to say, it's a beautiful thing when the giver meets another giver and everybody gets. So you have to understand this might be your season to get. And if it's your season to get, then you have to be able to submit to the season. And are you even willing to do that? Or do you have those? Blocks, those guards, those fears, those triggers piled up around you, and they are going to prevent you from being able to receive the love and the care and the support and the intention that you deserve. Because, like I said, it's a beautiful thing when the givers get, and everybody deserves that, and you are worthy of it. So we've kind of talked a little bit about, you know, the process of putting yourself in that position, you know, thinking about it, making sure you're checking yourself, making sure that you are assessing the people that you are inviting in, and making sure that they are worth your vulnerability, and being able to recognize that you are capable of being vulnerable because you are willing to deal with your trials, your triggers, and try and trauma in order for you to receive the love that you deserve. And so now we're at that point where you have done the work, where you have decided to trust and you have opened yourself up to your vulnerability, to your person, be it your friend, be it your lover, whoever, but you've opened yourself up. Now this is where the fun begins because it's not just you who had to do all of that same work, they had to too. And how do you navigate that? Because you know, you've done the work, but they may still need to do some work too. And are you willing to get in the trenches with them and work through their triggers and traumas? See, it's it's a yin yin and a yang kind of thing. It is because now they've recognized you have that capacity to care for them too. Remember, now they can ask for what they want from you with the understanding that you have the capabilities of it, and now they have to do everything that you have just done. And that is why it's so important in relationships, especially in marriage and friendships, to really make sure that you are in spaces with people where you are equally yoked. Equally yoked in me is not just about being in a marriage, in a relationship, it is about in a relationship of friends because you have to be aligned. There has to be alignment. You unfortunately, there does come a point in time of life as you are continuing to grow and evolve where you have to look at the people that you are surrounding yourself with and recognize that everybody may not be in the same space that you are in because you can't be the smartest person in the room anymore. You gotta be surrounded with an amazing group of people who constantly challenge you to be better. And I would even think that same thing applies actually in a marriage as well. You both have to allow space in your marriage for you to be who you are right now and who you are going to become because evolution is going to occur, and evolution has to have room also in friendship because people don't stay the same, hopefully. We're as long as we're alive, there's still room and growth and energy for us to continue to get better. We have to be able to cultivate spaces where we are around people who want to get better and we want them to get better, and we are a part of their journey and supporting them because that's how you create this beautiful symbiotic relationship that is mutually beneficial to all who are involved. And it doesn't mean that everybody's pulling each other's weights, it just means that you flow, it means that you build together, it means that you are a place for each other where you can come and be fed, where you can be nourished, where you can be held, where you can be chastised, where you can be revered, you can be supported, you can be safe. You can be safe, but you have to continue to create that space and that energy where you are actively contributing to their safety just like they are actively contributing to yours. Because again, being in a space where you are surrounded by people, where you can actually ask for what you want and understand that you are surrounded in the capacity for that to come true is a powerful and scary feeling. And so by you doing your work and giving them space that they can do theirs, you create that constant yin and yang where both of you can go back and forth, all of you. And it is magical. And I would like to say that it's easily found, but it's not. I'm not gonna pretend. This takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of conversation. And it's very easy for all of us to make excuses about, you know, the demands of life and family. Believe me, I've done it. I do it now, and my capacity for people and situations and things I think about it sometimes has truly changed my energy. I feel that pull sometimes where I have to pull back, not because I don't care about the people that I will I love or I want to be around. That's not it. It's because I only have a finite amount of energy, and sometimes it starts to get low. And so I have to pull back. And I'm very fortunate that the people in my life understand that if I get quiet, it has nothing to do with you. It literally is me. It's me trying to replenish myself because I feel like I might be spreading myself in too many places. See, that's what I'm talking about. That's why I'm saying having those spaces and that energy and understanding the people that you ride with, that you support, that you love, you have to create that space so that you can have that safety to be able to be yourself. And that yourself is not about performing, yourself is about thriving, and that your group, no matter whether you talk today or two months from now, they still see you thriving. They still want the best for you. Friendship is still there and intact. They just understand you might not be able to give it all you got right now because you have to give some to you, and you have to have those types of relationships because I think a lot of times society kind of has this false perception of making people feel like you have to do everything under the world to cultivate relationships. And relationships to me, when people are equally yoked, are not that hard. Now, don't get me wrong, because I want to make sure I'm very clear about this. I'm not saying that they're low maintenance or no effort. No, no, no. I'm definitely not saying that because it effort has to occur. But I think it occurs in varying levels based upon the nature of your friendship because you're honest and vulnerable in that space to tell people truly where you are and give them room to meet you. You don't have to go out here and try to help people understand in these kind of spaces. People understand because you're honest. And that's the part of you that has to continuously do that work with your vulnerability with yourself. You have to be able to be honest, you have to be able to tell people when you're struggling, you have to be able to tell people when you're winning, you have to be able to tell people when you're sad, being honest with your emotions and understanding that you are in a safe enough space where you can truly be yourself and be heard and be supported, and it's okay. That's the thing. Because a lot of times, again, friendship is prevent presented on such a surface level. You know, we're going out to eat, we're going to do this, we're going to do that. But let's talk about the moments where we're sitting on the phone consoling each other or encouraging each other or motivating each other from a real place of honesty. Because again, you are trying to create spaces of safety and capacity where you can ask for you what you want and have the capacity and capabilities of getting it because you're in the right settings. So ultimately, I'm saying all of this to say it is very important to do some assessments. Assessments with yourself as well as with the people that you love, with the understanding that those assessments will be done back to you as well. And really think about in this season of your life what you're trying to cultivate. I know that we've been talking so much about health from a physical standpoint, and health is still a part of all of that, because you'd be surprised how your energy can help motivate somebody else on that journey as well. Again, it's all about the safety of the space. But this aligns with it because when you're not well within your soul, when you're well within your mind and your heart, it is very hard to find the energy to physically care about yourself. And even all of that emotional stress weighs on you in a physical aspect. And it could be one of the reasons that you feel held back because you don't feel safe, because you don't feel supported, because you don't feel like you're in a space where you can have the capability to ask for what you want and understand that you can receive it. And if you're in that space right now, I do want to encourage you to understand that you can change it, to understand that you are worth that safety, you are worth the risk. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. You are worth it and you deserve this. And if you're in that space where you've recognized and look through your clique and your crew and recognize in your partner, I am blessed to be with someone or surrounded by people where I feel safe, value that. Don't get comfortable in it to the point where you get lazy with it. Don't let life ever make you feel like you can't give a little bit. Even if it's a text message, even if it's a smile, even if it's just a simple gesture, do something and be honest about what you're feeling. Trust the people if they have earned your trust in your vulnerability and let them know so that they can support you and nourish you, because in turn you may be supporting and nourishing them. There are many of us out in this world who are facing so many insurmountable odds, and we're not ever saying anything to anyone about it. We're going through being the strong friend. Okay, cool. But the strong friend needs support too. Remember, the givers deserve to get too. So we have to create those spaces. They don't magically occur overnight. And so I hope from this conversation today that you're able to take stock, that you're able to really think about what you deserve because you deserve the best, and that you are able to get and give, and to understand the capability that people have, and to recognize that you have the power to ask for what you want, and you should be surrounding yourself in the situation and the capability of people who can help you get it or get you there. We deserve safety in all of our relationships, and now more than ever, it's essential that we go get it. So, yes, I wanted to share that with you. I hope that it resonated with you. I hope that it gave you some inspiration. Um, it really is a beautiful thing, and I want everyone to have that feeling. So that's the episode this week. I know it's a little bit shorter, but I I didn't need to belagger the point. We just needed to kind of get in and talk about it. I really want to thank everyone for taking the time to listen. I hope that you are taking care of yourselves and each other. I will have all of my information in the show notes. You know, shout me out. Let me know how you're doing. Tell me, are you checking yourself? Are you around people where you feel safe? Or are you creating safe spaces? And I pray that you are surrounded in so much love and so much amazing capacity. You deserve it. I will be back next week with another episode. Yes, definitely next week. I'm gonna be doing some traveling because I'm going to see my husband soon. So next week we'll talk about what the plan is going into early August because I don't know if I'm gonna bring my podcasting equipment with me. Because every time I do, I wind up getting stopped through TSA because it's a lot. And so I don't know. I'm gonna talk about it. But I really want to thank you guys again for taking the time to listen, to support. And I hope you're encouraged. I'm praying for you and believing for you. I'll talk to you next week. Bye.